Turtle Bay, Caribbean restaurant Bristol.

 If there is one thing I have learnt over the years reviewing restaurants, it is to never put too much faith in chain restaurants, because nine times out of ten you will be very disappointed. This was no acception when I found myself walking through the doors of Turtle Bay opposite the Hippodrome in Bristol. Now I should declare that I have eaten at this restaurant before and it has always been good. In fact, one incident that sticks in my head from my one of a handful of trips here, was the time I ordered a pint of Red Stripe lager only to accidentially drop a Jerk chicken wing into it. Now if you've never had a Jamaican lager with scotch bonnet floaties in it you are not missing much. And in case any of you are wondering, yes I did finish the pint. Well there was no way I was throwing it away, I had only just ordered it! But guzzling back a pint of what now resembles alcoholic swamp water was not pleasant. 

 So back to my recent visit. We had wandered in without a booking and managed to get a table. I had already decided what I was going to have before I'd even sat down. Their grilled cheese and jerk pork sandwich is a delight. Sadly though that wasn't on the menu. So I studied the new menu. Jerk Chicken? No, due to the fact that I haven't got an asbestos lined colon to digest it with. Goat curry? No, for the same reason and it was too early for something that spicy. If it decided to escape via the emergency exit then it would be an incredibly terrifying dash to the car park to avoid ruining a perfectly good pair of chinos. I finally settled for their fried chicken with coleslaw and macaroni cheese. I could have had chips with it but I though, why not go for something different. I wish I'd have gone for the chips now. I also ordered a side order of their fried dumplings. My partner in crime went for the goat curry hash. I wince every time I see the word hash on a menu. Mainly because it reminds me of the trays of corned beef hash my mum used to make when we were kids. They where a crime against food to say the least. I think it could have been packaged and used in biological warfare it was that bad. (Sorry mum!) 

 The waitress, came and took our drinks order. Red Stripe for me, just a half and hold the chicken wings! A 'mocktail' for my companion and some table water. A 'mocktail' a fancy way of charging you an absurd amount of money for what is essentially fruit squash, lemonade and lots of ice. It only becomes a 'mocktail' after they've thrown in a mint leaf and given it a sugared rim. Oh and put it in a fancy glass. We placed our food order and it wasn't long before it arrived. Looking round the place, taking in the Bob Marley murals on the walls and images of white sandy beaches and listening to the soft mellow reggae music, you could quite easily think that you were abroad. Possibly in the Caribbean. That is until you turn to face the door and see the cast of the Jeremy Kyle show gathered outside gawking through the plate glass window eyeballing plates of food. "Please God, don't let them come in here?" Phew, they've turned and walked away in the direction of Greggs across the street! Where this restaurant is is right outside a very busy bus stop. There are tables outside for customers to dine Al Fresco if they wish? Why you would want to I do not know but each to their own. If you are not fussed about inhaling diesel fumes from the busses that billow out their toxic loads, or the many riotous protests that routinely go on in the centre square or being pestered by a Big Issue seller or any other down and out begging for money then you will love their outdoor seating arrangements.

 Our food arrived in good time. the hash I am told was delicious. I was offered a taste but quite frankly the childhood scars are still healing! (Sorry mum, AGAIN!) I looked at my dish, and it looked like what it was described as which is always a good start. The chicken was beautifully cooked. If I ma not mistaken it was boneless thigh as I could distinctly taste the succulent brown meat and it was delicious. Perfect seasoning. Very similar to Kentucky Fried Chicken, but I doubt that is where they source their chicken from? The Coleslaw was ok. A bit under seasoned but it was perfectly edible. Now onto what should have been the crowning glory. The thing I had sacrificed my chips for. The macaroni cheese. Firstly ir looked microwaved. It had that plastic sheen to it. I tucked in. A Stodgy mess, was retrieved from the bottom of the dish. Overcooked pasta which hadn't been washed to get rid if the starch. The sauce was overly spiced. You immedialty got a burning sensation when eating your first mouthful. I don't know why they feel the need to overkill the scotch bonnet in these places? I have eaten in proper Caribbean restaurants run by West Indian people and none of that was as spicy as this. After the initial burn and worn off I was then left with the taste of plastic cheese. What I mean by that is burger cheese. You know those nasty little fluorescent slices you see festering away in kebab shops? That was the after taste. It was nasty. I didn't finish it. And to add insult to burning injury the dish was tepid. A toddler could have rammed its fat little fingers into it and come out with as little as a heat rash!

 After we had finished we politely asked for the bill, paid and left. No service charge added. That winds me up! And no tip left. I never tip anyway! It's just a shame that the one element in that dish which is the easiest thing to get right was in fact its downfall. It is so easy to make macaroni cheese my 10 year old niece could do it. So why on earth can't these so say talented and skilled chefs do it? It is cheap, quick and easy.